They say time flies when you're having fun! A host of random thoughts.

 I can't believe I haven't written in so long!  Time is funny here.

Here's a quick summary of all that has happened- the good and the bad:

• Chris went to Georgia for work for almost a week.
• We all went to Massachusetts for a week so I could go to class- and I got to see my friend Krista and my sister Keri and her husband Bob.
• We went to Ithaca for a couple of days and I got to spend time with a bunch more people I love.
• We were here for two ocean related tragedies- and witnessed one of them happen.
• The house has been getting closer and closer to completion and we've enjoyed just about weekly visits to watch the progress.
• We met our new doctor and he's about half my age (well, not quite, but almost).
• Tucker found some new friends at a new day care.
• The air conditioner in the living room died at the start of the hottest week so far... and it was out for four days before we were able to get the new one installed.
• We found a good contractor for our eventual condo remodel- see the point about the A/C.
• I've been working diligently to set up all the details of my new private practice.

I'm sure there are things I'm forgetting because, as I said, I haven't written in so long.

And, here are some things I'm learning in this new life phase:

• Learning how to NOT be busy is hard sometimes. And also, you can get better at it with practice.
• I do prefer heat to cold, but I also do like my A/C in the heat.
• There are not a lot of options for red couches.
• Walking on the beach makes people happy and friendly.
• We are tiny, tiny specks in the face of the vastness of the ocean and the way less powerful than the weather.
• I overthink things.
• Wilmington is known as Hollywood of the East or Willywood. 

And some things I'm eagerly anticipating:

• Well, of course, the house.
• Being unpacked- not the process, the end result.
• A whole floor of the house JUST for my sewing room.
• Exploring Wilmington... there is a LOT to explore, apparently!
• Hosting friends and family in our new place(s).
• A fenced yard for the dog.
• Meeting new people, adding new friends to my world.

I don't have a lot of energy for profundity but will try to be better at updates!

Living on Ocean Time

I haven't posted in a while. I would say I haven't had time but really, I have. So, no excuses.

We're here in NC now. Here's some recapping.

Everything so far has gone smoothly (knocking on wood here). The dumpster rental was perfect- if you need to do a clean out, I know a guy.  Rebecca was an absolute godsend for her help packing the POD. The POD transport and delivery was seamless, the movers we hired to unload to the storage unit were great (so we'll hire them for the next leg, to the house), and we're pretty much settled into the condo for the time being. 

We had lunch with our real estate agent (if you're looking to buy a house down here, I know a woman) and we went to see the house and it is UNDER WAY- the siding mostly up, the drywall mostly done! 

Pretty siding!

My new office!

Chris' new office!

Tucker and I approve of the kitchen and living room and entryway.

And this is where I'm gonna sew- complete with its own bathroom!

All the things are falling into place as we get closer- we'll be working on all the details of setting up utilities, buying furniture and appliances, etc etc etc soon

We have a doctor, Tucker has a vet, and we just scheduled a groomer and day care for when we're at the condo.

I'm getting my private practice up and running, too. Found a CPA, got an EIN, set up business banking, getting started with Headway, planning to get started with Alma later in the summer. Between my Life Stages clients and my NC clients, I expect to be back up to busy soon, but hopefully much LESS busy than I used to be.

In the meantime............

We're taking beach walks almost daily. We're sitting on the balcony, watching dolphins. I'm reading a lot. I'm snuggling with the dog. I'm sleeping in. This is most definitely what I signed up for. 

Still isn't feeling permanent yet- just like an extended vacation. I suppose once we move into the house that may change? Or maybe not- maybe life, from here on out, is going to feel more like vacation. I can't predict or script life moving forward, and that's perfectly okay. I've spent most of my life trying to script and predict, which sometimes works and sometimes not. I'm going to move forward trying to be like the river (going with the flow) and like the ocean (ebbing and flowing with the tides) and like the beach (having grit- like the sand, get it?). 

I do miss my friends, and am thinking about visits back and forth in the coming months. And it will be with a happier, hopefully healthier me- which is really the point of all of this change.

So today's theme is: Rolling with the Tide (sorry, 'Bama, not you- the ACTUAL tide).

In the Thick of Things

It's the end of May. We're about 2 weeks out from closing on the house and moving. 

This weekend, we rented a dumpster. This is part of the process of letting go, I suppose. What things do we keep? What things do we ditch? How much is the sentimental value of the thing versus how much energy to pack and move and store and unpack it?  The more time we spend cleaning things out, the more I'm channeling my inner Marie Kondo- less and less of it sparks joy.

It's also doing the work of shifting from "home" to "house" again... a backwards process. Less and less of it is "ours" as we put what's ours into boxes. More and more, I think, "How does this fit into our world moving forward? Is this a 'next chapter' thing?"

I'm having a hard time imagining life really being different after we move. I know intellectually that things are going to be different, but after spending my entire adult life in the work-sleep-work routine, it's tough to picture what it may be like to have time to myself. I'm daydreaming about my new sewing room and having time to spend there.  I'm looking forward to bike rides, and dog-walking, and beach time.  I'm really looking forward to not setting the alarm for 6:30 AM anymore!

This is an interesting time of both rediscovering and reinventing who we are. There are a lot of goodbyes coming in the next few weeks and that's hard.  I'm trying to focus some on the hello's that are ahead, too.  I'm not leaving this life behind as much as weaving it into a new one, and every item I pack into a box is part of that weave.

I already can't wait to have my friends come visit and the new house isn't even built yet!

The days are long, the weeks are short, the months are flying by.

Sometimes, I measure time in "how many left". How many Fridays? How many chiropractor appointments? How many more of these painful Tuesday morning groups?

Sometimes, I measure in "didn't I JUST.." Didn't I just fill my weekly medicine sorter? Didn't I just cut my nails? Didn't I just pay that bill?

And sometimes, I measure in "it's going so fast". We're running out of time to pack. We're running out of time to get the porch fixed. We're running out of time to get in all the appointments we still need to make.

And a lot of the time I feel double booked: how can I fit more into less time?

Time truly is relative.

One thing that I have to get better at is letting things happen in their time. Not stressing out about things I can't actually do anything about yet. Remembering that things always fall into place, and they don't all need to happen at once. That's hard for me.

I suppose this is a recurring theme: One thing at a time.

And so it begins.

At the risk of tempting fate...

We're under contract on a house in Leland, NC. It's new construction, due to be completed around August. It's quite lovely.

And the sale of our house proceeds- they just did the survey this week.

We ordered a POD to start packing stuff.

Chris just emptied the first bookshelf- the start of the packing stuff.

And, I spent the whole last week telling people at work.  Some of them were really hard... I shed more than a few tears.  My goal was to leave sad, not angry and burned out, and I think I have that nailed.

One of the things I find so amazing is all the support I'm getting from people. So many well-wishes, so many "happy for you's". I guess I've been in this weird place of both thinking that people are going to be upset that I'm leaving, and also thinking that makes me pretty full of myself. Why should they care? And also, of course they will care. 

There's a party planned. I'm both excited and uncomfortable being the center of that attention.

There are fewer and fewer weekends between now and the move.  A lot to do, still. I'm feeling a little disorganized.

All change is hard, even good change. And this is good change. The closer we get, the better I feel about the move. Yes there is a lot of work to do, and yes there are still myriad ways things can go wrong. But in the end, I have to take my own therapy-advice: is this a problem, or a worry? Solve the problems. Shelve the worries.

And embrace the excitement.  That's where I'm going to focus. All this change and stress is transitional and temporary. In the end, things will work out just the way they're supposed to.  I have faith.

Gathering no moss.

Things are rolling along here. We just had a week and a half of whirlwind travel: Ithaca to DFW via Detroit, a couple of days with the kids there, then a road trip (thanks Cam) to Little Rock to spend a couple of days with the kids there, then back to Ithaca (via Atlanta and Detroit) to pick up the dog at his boarder and then a road trip to NC, where we spent two days driving between North Topsail Beach and Leland (about an hour each way) where we looked at houses and then BACK to Ithaca.

WHEW. I'm exhausted. And also, excited. 

We looked at some really nice houses under construction with late summer/early fall completion dates.  As I type this, we're pre-approved for a mortgage and are waiting for the house we want to go on the market, scheduled to be tomorrow, so we can make an offer. Crossing our fingers that they asking price will be within our budget!  We're working with a very nice real estate agent who will let us know as soon as she knows the asking price. 

And.... tomorrow, I will also start telling people that I'm leaving my job.  I made a list of the people I need to tell in person, individually- there are a lot of them. When you've been someplace as long as I have, you make a lot of connections. I guess I was surprised by just how many people might actually care that I'll be leaving. And it makes me even more determined to be intentional in making new connections once we move.

I don't know if this post has a theme, other than that time marches on and we're moving closer to moving. One step at a time, day by day.  It's exciting. And, a little scary.

Catching up is hard to do.

Hi. It's me. Been a while.

A lot has happened and, also, hasn't. I mean, things are really pretty much the same. I work. I sleep (often badly). I work again.  The house selling process is in a quiet phase as we wait for the buyers to get more information.  Feels like a case of "hurry up and wait".  I went back to the office in person to see some clients last weekend and that was great- so I'll keep doing that for now.  

I've been talking with a real estate agent in the Wilmington area. We're planning to meet up with her when we go down to NC in a few weeks (after we visit the kids).  We're excited to be at that place- it's still early, but we're at least taking some next steps.  There are some model homes for new developments we're hoping to see. New construction might be nice. 

We've also started to branch out with telling local friends.  We had some good friends over for dinner to celebrate our birthdays (oh, right, we had birthdays) and shared the news. It definitely feels like it's coming when we're having those conversations.

I've started to think about next steps in prepping to leave my job. It's feeling like it's time to start talking about it. So, after spring break, I'm going to start telling people. 

All of this makes it feel like it's right around the corner. And at the same time, it feels like it's still so far away.

I'm grinding my teeth a lot. My hygienist and therapist both guess it's stress related. I'm sure it is. I'm going to try a mouth guard to see if that helps.  My hygienist said she thinks it will miraculously go away in June. I'm hoping she's right. I also hope I have teeth left and not just little nubs by the time we actually get to NC.

I'm hoping that soon I'll have a lot more to say besides "still here, still waiting for the next chapter to start".

Real estate for real.

We showed the house.  And here we are, not even two weeks later, and we have a signed purchase offer, and the inspection was done today, and we have a closing date.... wow, once the ball starts rolling it picks up speed.

If all goes according to plan, we'll be handing over the keys to the new owners on June 16.

And as if that wasn't enough news, I also am now officially licensed as an LCSW in North Carolina.

Things are really starting to take shape.

The family that's buying the house is exactly the kind of family we want to take it over- really sweet young family with loving, caring parents- it makes my heart happy.

And at the same time, it's a little overwhelming.

There's the whole bittersweet thing- yes, it's what I want and I'm excited about the future. But we've lived here a long time, and saying goodbye to this house, which we put so much love and work into, is going to be emotional.

Then there's the whole "waiting for the next shoe to drop" anxiety that always precedes a big change for me. Having had the other shoe drop before, I know not to ever believe anything is definite until it's done.

Oh and- right we need to clean this house out. That's definitely overwhelming.

One step at a time, though, right? It'll all come together.

So the theme for today is: Just breathe.

So many thoughts, so little time.

I've been wanting to get on and write a blog post. Most days, something happens that makes me think, "That would be a good topic to write about." It may be a song that comes on, or a comment by a colleague, or an event- like, the recent showing of the house.  (That warrants its own post, stay tuned.)

Sometimes the title will even pop into my head and I think, "I just have to remember that until I get on the computer." But I don't. 

I've heard that "real" writers carry little notebooks with them, to jot down ideas as they come up. Sounds....quaint. I suppose I could try that.  I also have this handy dandy little device, where I could note things to remember- in writing or maybe even a voice recording.

The problem with this, though, is that inspiration strikes when I have zero access to these tools. While I'm driving. In the shower. While I'm in a session with a client.  And then I have to rely on my memory, which is a long shot these days.

And then, as if that weren't enough of an obstacle... there's the whole ENERGY thing. It takes energy to log into the computer and write the post, and frankly, I spend most of mine just getting through the days. I wouldn't say I've been struggling as much as I was mid-pandemic, I think that's pretty well under control. But I just feel mentally done by the end of the day most days. And, honestly, physically done as well. The idea of initiating a task- any task- is unappealing. I don't realize most of the time how much it costs me to show up a lot of the time lately, until I don't have to show up, and then I just shut down.

The days are getting longer, though, right? And theoretically the winter is winding down. Maybe that will spur some energy- like the running of the sap.

At least when I'm "in it", I'm on. And if I have to recuperate later on by stepping back from things I might otherwise want to do, so be it. The important things are getting done. And eventually I'll be able to reclaim the rest.

Wise Words of Walt Whitman

Today, I'm thinking a lot about all the times that things have seemed bleak, but the proverbial "silver lining" became apparent eventually.  It can be a helpful exercise when I feel anxious about the future. 

What's worrying me now? Second-guessing myself. Is moving to NC the right thing to do? (See the post on asking the internet a question.)  I'm overthinking things, which is what I tend to do when I need- but lack- information. I struggle with waiting for things to unfold.  I am not a particularly patient person.

So I'm reminding myself of things that started out as problems but ended up being for the better.

This week, for example. I am really unhappy that we didn't get to see the kids and that things were so stressful and, really, still unresolved as far as airlines and refunds go.  BUT.... the weather there was horrible this past week. Winter storms that would have made it difficult, if not impossible, for Cam to come get us in AR and drive us back to TX.   Meanwhile, we have had an extraordinarly beautiful week- walks on the beach wearing capris for goodness sake.  So even though it means waiting a few more months, when we do go see the kids in April it's likely going to be a lot better timing for that trip.

Or when the house we were trying to buy fell through. Oh what a nightmare that was.  The Universe tried SO hard to get us to drop that plan, so many obstacles that popped up that should have given us a clear hint. But no, we were determined and wouldn't listen, so the Universe pulled the ultimate card on the day of the closing and we couldn't buy the house. But, in the end, it allowed me to quit my job, go back to school for a new career, and then eventually move to a better house in a better place for us. 

And then there was that time the roof leaked and ruined the kitchen and we were years away from being able to afford the remodel. I was so panicked!  But then insurance kicked in and we got a better kitchen than we might otherwise have been able to afford, a lot faster than if we had to wait to save up the money.

I don't consider myself religious. I often talk about "the Universe" in a larger-power kind of way, but when I dig down deep, I can't really imagine that there is anything "out there" like that, guiding or determining or influencing our lives.  And yet....  There are times, like these, when it does feel as though something "out there" is looking out for us. When, in hindsight, we can say, "Oh, wow, guess that was a good thing, then."  So how do I reconcile this with my rational mind?

I believe that the human brain wants to make sense of things. We need a story, and that story has to have a conclusion. You know, like that saying, "Everything will be alright in the end. If it's not alright, it's not the end." And I think how we choose to tell ourselves these stories is a reflection of who we are, deep down. We have a confirmation bias- we look for the things that uphold the way we want to see the world. When I'm under stress, my tendency to look back at all the ways things have worked out fine in the end may speak to a generally optimistic, positive, hopeful nature. Maybe that's what we mean by "resiliance". 

I'm going to choose to see the way forward as an adventure. When I start to worry, I'm going to try to remind myself that this is either an opportunity to turn away, or to turn toward. I'm going to trust the Universe- and myself- and turn toward.

My high school ring had a motto inscribed, a paraphrase of a Walt Whitman quote: "Walk toward the sun. Shadows will fall behind." I chose that sort of randomly from a catalogue of inscriptions, back when I was 15. I don't know that I really understood it, it just had some appeal to me. I think now, I understand it better. (Maybe the Universe nudged me in that direction, knowing that I'd come to understand it later in life?)

So that's the theme for this post: Walk toward the sun.

Thoughts on the bigger picture

As I write this, my condo is literally vibrating from the military helicopters flying incredibly close. They've been flying a lot (although not all THIS close!) this week. Last night, Russia invaded Ukraine. The world can be a scary, dangerous place.

It's also a sobering reminder for me that my troubles are all so small.

My heart is with the fleeing families and frightened children and innocent lives lost to power and greed and corruption and hate.

I was going to write about other things today. But the constant "sound of freedom" makes everything else I want to write about feel petty and unimportant.

Maybe I'll write another post later.

Nothing that a walk on the beach can't cure... or, Best Laid Plans.

Right now, I'm supposed to be snuggling the new grandpuppy in Little Rock.  But circumstances conspired against that plan. And by circumstances, I mean, air travel.

This February break was supposed to be a trip to visit all the kids- first stop in Little Rock, then a jog over to Keller, then hop back on a plane to NY.  I was really excited about this trip.

We dropped Tucker at day care and headed straight to ITH. After a lovely little TSA pat-down (Why? I have no idea.) we settled in to wait for our flight. We were a little worried about having only a 45 minute layover, but figured, eh, we'll run if we have to.

But then, there was wind.

It was so windy (this is where you say, "How windy was it?") that the plane we were waiting for turned around and went back to Charlotte. Delayed, then delayed, then delayed. Oops. But no worries, the airline booked us automatically on a flight from Charlotte to Little Rock the next morning. We waited on a long line of people trying to figure out what to do, and the very nice ticket agent tried a bunch of options but nothing really worked. So, okay, we wait until the plane comes in, we spend the night in the Charlotte airport, we hop a plane to Dallas at 5 AM, and then change planes in Dallas and head to Little Rock... not the ideal, but still doable.

HA! said the universe.

The flight got cancelled entirely. No more flights out of Ithaca today, folks.

We huddled and debated and considered and at one point even thought about driving to Charlotte to catch the plane at 5 AM but by this point it would be tough to make it in time.

So, we gave up, we picked Tucker back up, and we decided to go to the condo and rebook the Pate Family Tour for April break.

I spent hours (hoooooouuuuuurrrrrrrsssssssss) on the phone trying to get refunds and credits- and at the time of this post, am still waiting for American Airlines to fix things (7 to 10 business days to review your request). 

I cried. I'm sad that we can't see the kids. It has been 6 months and I'm really, really unhappy that I have to wait another two months.

Today, we went for a walk on the beach.  That helped.

And all of this has really helped to reinforce for me the need to make this move.  Once I'm not tied to the school calendar, if they say, "We can rebook your flight for Monday.." I can say, "Okay." I'll have more flexibility. I'll be more in control of my own time and my own plans.

I have appreciated that I was on the school calendar while I was raising kids. But now that they're raised, I want to be on a "me" calendar.

I don't know if this post has a theme. I suppose if there's any theme, it's: Everything in its own time.

Just because it says it on the internet....

I made a mistake.

I asked The Internet questions.

Remember way back early on (if you're a Long Time Reader) I mentioned paralysis of analysis?  What happens when you ask The Internet questions is that you get a lot of opinions that create brain chaos. And brain chaos, for me, leads to anxiety.  So there's my confession for the day: I'm feeling anxious.

(I almost said I AM anxious, but then I remembered my DBT training- feelings come and go, like waves on the ocean.)

What I did was, I found a forum where I could ask people about areas in NC that we're considering for our future move.  

What I didn't do was, I didn't consider that the answers would make me question everything. Which would make me anxious. Which would make me sad.

I read through pages and pages of responses from people who truly were trying to be helpful- and many of whom, actually were being helpful.  I got some insight into the towns and cities we're thinking about. Some of it affirming, some of it discouraging. Much of it very detailed. Some of it pretty contradictory. And one noteworthy response which was essentially pages and pages of reasons why I should never, ever move to NC. (My favorite response from another forum-user: "....LOL what?")

I'm pretty good at reading through online reviews, and deciding what seems reliable and what seems a little far-fetched.  The problem I had this time is that there was a lot of information that was kind of scary- most of it having to do with the housing market.

People said, "You're going to have a really hard time buying a house"- too expensive, too much out-bidding, too much money at risk (WTH with the non-refundable due diligence money, NC?).  

Okay.. probably true. So, maybe we'll build a house.

Oh- wait. People said, "It's not any better to try to build"- too many potential buyers without enough lots being offered, lots of out-bidding (still), time frame could be extremely long before you'd even be able to start construction.

Ugh.

I had some moments of panic. Maybe this is a horrible idea. Maybe we won't be able to get a new house. Maybe we should just stay in Ithaca. 

PAUSE. BREATHE. 

Is this going to be easy? No, but that's not new information, right? I know that there is a lot to consider, and change is hard and scary, and the future is uncertain.

But is is impossible? No. People do this. People move out of state all the time. People buy houses. (Or build them.) 

There is still a lot for me to explore, but a lot of that can't be done by asking random internet people to tell me what I need to know. And I have time.

Remember that- we have time. I don't need all the answers today. I can't even GET all the answers today, there are things I have to be there to see and experience.

And shouldn't this all be part of the adventure? The process? The exploring new places and possibilities?

So the theme of this blog post is: Don't Panic.  

(thanks, Doug Adams)

Channeling my Inner Tevye

 Today's post is about tradition.

It's a word that came to me the other day while I was driving to work, from out of nowhere and appropos of nothing at the time. Later, it stood out to me in the headline of an article I came across on the importance of ritual and tradition related to the Lunar New Year. Still later that day, when a person I was talking to started saying something was tradition for them, it seemed like maybe the universe was trying to tell me something.

Okay, universe. When you push that hard to get me to pay attention, I guess I should take a moment to understand why.

What is it about the idea of tradition that has caught my attention so much this past week? 

I think the answer to that may lie in the focus I've had on planning for the future over the last week or so. It's always on the back of my mind, but as mentioned in my last post, I've been more actively exploring steps to make this transition. And even more recently, I've been thinking about the changing family roles as the kids start their own families, and how we'll navigate those transitions. This includes the changing of our family traditions as they blend into new families with traditions of their own.  What will the holidays look like from now on?  How we will celebrate major milestones, or even minor ones? How will we stay connected as family, which is one of the purposes served by traditions?

What I know is that these are things you can't necessarily dictate, or plan, or script. There are certainly widely-held cultural traditions that we observe- birthday cakes or traditional holiday meals for example. And then there are those that may not be quite as universally cultural but are pretty common in our social sphere- choosing where you had your birthday dinner, or opening one gift on Christmas eve, or Friday night pizza night. I know a lot of families who do those things. But a lot of my treasured family traditions over the years have emerged organically. For example, I don't recall any conscious decision that every fall we'd go apple picking- we went once, we had a great time, we kept going the next few years, and eventually it was tradition. Early October= apple picking. Getting a new personalized ornament for everyone every Christmas emerged from being given a gift of a special ornament before Cam was born; thus started the tradition of adding a new ornament for each of us, every year. The way Dad always said, "According to the ancient scolls.." whenever the kids were stumped about where to find those last hidden Easter eggs. (He still says that sometimes, just for nostalgia's sake.)

I think what I need to come to terms with is that, for the forseeable future, we'll be putting aside some old traditions and starting to form new ones. The way we celebrate may look different from afar, but we will still celebrate. The way we build family connections may change, but the connections will remain.  So family game night happens over Zoom now- two years in a row, starting to feel like tradition.... Maybe I can't bake a cake from scratch for the kids' birthdays anymore, but calling and singing a BADLY off-key Happy Birthday To You is feeling like a new tradition in the works.  This is my third February where I'll be traveling to see the kids- hmmm... maybe a February trip is a thing we'll continue?

I don't know specifically what the future looks like, which for me, is a little unnerving. But I do know that the difference is going to be the details, and not the meaning, behind the ways we build our family traditions going forward. And that's a comforting reminder.

Pondering Perpetual Motion

A colleague sent me this video link recently. She related it to the kids we work with, and the idea that when they're out of class and walking the halls, they're regulating their triggered brains.. something I agree with. The video was interesting.

I think what resonated the most for me was the idea of the healing powers of forward motion. And I would say that moving forward can be both literal and figurative.

This whole process of change for me this year feels like a marathon, and I'm not a marathon runner. I'm not even a marathon walker.  But I can take steps forward. And change like this happens in steps.

I took a step.  I started to look into getting my LCSW in NC. I emailed to find out who I send forms to and where to get test scores sent.  It gave things a sense of "real" in a different way. Once you take that step, well....

I'm not sure what all the steps will be yet, but I do know this: getting where I want to be is going to require that I keep taking them. Hence the theme of this post: Just Keep Swimming.

Sunday, Sunday, Sunday

Sunday is the one day of the week I typically don't have to set an alarm.  It doesn't mean I sleep in; usually I still wake up around the same time as weekdays.  Sometimes I can drift back to sleep for a bit. But most of the time, we don't get up until we absolutely can't stay in bed any longer- usually because we're starving.  So from the time I wake up until the time I get up, which could be anywhere from 10:30-12:30 depending on how hungry I get, we have Sunday, Sunday, Sunday time.

No, not quite like that.

It's a time when I may do something productive on the laptop, but usually not. Usually, we just lounge. The TV may or may not be on (depends on when Chris wakes up). The dog snuggles in close. I grab my tablet to read or my phone to scroll Facebook or play a game. If Chris is so moved, he gets us coffee. Or, not. That's the point of Sunday, Sunday, Sunday. There is no plan- at least not until we get up.

If I'm lucky, after we get up I don't have anything too terribly pressing to do (the dust bunnies would agree they're not too pressing) so I do something I want to do. I read, I sew, I call a friend.  Sometimes the guilt of being lazy (and all those aforementioned dust bunnies) nags at me and I do some housework.  But the beauty of Sunday, Sunday, Sunday is that I'm the only one who dictates how I spend it. (Unless we're out of clean clothes. Sometimes the hamper dictates.)

I appreciate that Tucker is on board with the lounging plan.  In fact, I think he likes it even more than we do sometimes. 

Ahhhhhhhhhhhh

I think we all need to have this time in our weeks- this time with no expectations, with flexibility, with choices. Used to be, if I wasn't doing something "productive", I worried there was something I was supposed to be doing that I forgot. Looking at it now, I believe there was something I forgot- to be a human being instead of just a human doing.

In art, I value the act of creating as much- if not more than- the thing that is created. I think that perspective is starting to inform my views of creating a life, too.  So that would be the theme of my Sunday, Sunday, Sunday post: Process Over Product.

How Did We Get Here? Part Two

Someone I love, lost someone she loved.

It was sudden; it was shocking. It was a tragic loss of someone much too young.  And it was a stunning reminder that life is, indeed, short, and that you only get one.

This was a world-rocking event.

So here we were.  There was this pandemic, and it was crushing.  There was this horrible reminder that you're not promised tomorrow. So I did something that's not very characteristic for me- I was spontaneous.

People who know me, know that I'm a bit of a planner.  Taking a last minute trip out of state isn't something most of my people would expect me to do.

And yet, one early spring morning I found myself enjoying a Sunday, Sunday, Sunday (it's a thing, I'll explain sometime) with the laptop, Zillow dreaming. I kept seeing these condos on the ocean in North Carolina that seemed crazy-cheap (relatively speaking), but it was clear that the prices were on the rise. We had a little financial flexibility, thanks to all the building we spent the last few decades doing. So when one of those condos showed up again, I did a crazy thing: I clicked the "Contact Agent" button. The phone rang a few minutes later... and that started the whirlwind.

We booked a hotel, boarded the dog, and spent my April break in sunny NC.  We ended the week dropping off a money order for a deposit on one of those blue condos at our real estate agent's office on our way back to NY.

What just happened? Did we just buy a condo?

Yes, yes we did. We bought a condo at Topsail Reef.

The view that sealed the deal.

Since then, we've been there at least once a month- school breaks, holidays, long weekends. When we're there, we're happy. Even Tucker is happy (we call him Reef Doggy).  We walk more. We talk more. We relax more. We work sometimes. We watch dolphins outside the door. We collect shells. We watch sunrises and sunsets.  We eat ice cream and drink margaritas (not at the same time). We take naps. 

The plan was to stay in NY a couple of more years. Work, visit the condo whenever we could. But the more time we spend there, the more I have to ask myself, "Why wait?"

Telling my people at work.... oh, that was hard. It's not like they didn't already know. I mean... it wasn't a surprise that once the ball got rolling it would pick up speed. That's just physics, right? (I think it is, anyway. Physics class was a long time ago.)  But still... 

So here we are. Moving toward the next 3 decades. Building in time. Time to relax. Time to see the kids. Time to engage in other things that bring us joy (like actually using that longarm machine I finally got after years of dreaming).Time to be more active.

And that's how we got here. 

Reef Doggy at Christmas

And the results are in.....

The Covid test results are back.... 

.... and negative.

I suppose it's not a bad thing that I had the last two days to rest. Goodness knows, I don't take that much time to rest very often.  Maybe the universe was just trying to help me out with a nudge in the direction of self-care?

Self-care is an interesting topic. Sometimes I think of it as resting. But honestly, self-care for me often looks like things that take energy.  Spending time with friends is a big one on my list of things that I find restorative. Family game nights with all the kids, even on Zoom- we laugh SO hard. Working on a quilt in the sewing room- or, just even playing with fabric in there (I like the planning as much as the actual creating). Fourteen-hour car trips to spend a couple of days watching dolphins (the dolphins part more than the car trip part anyway). And then, there are things that I don't enjoy doing, but I enjoy having done- like, cleaning the house.  I suppose exercise fits into that category as well.

It seems sort of ho-hum to say that one of my goals for the year is to be better at self-care. I mean, don't we always say we need to be better at that? I think I need to broaden my definition of things that are self-care. Saying "no" without explaining myself, for example- I'm not great at that.  Accepting help without saying, "No, thanks, I'm okay." Letting myself off the hook more often. Guarding my down-time and not feeling guilty for it.  Understanding that just because I can, doesn't mean I should (see: saying no). All of these are things I could practice more.

I also need to reframe why self-care is important. It's not just because "you can't pour from an empty pitcher"... which, is true. But why is it we should have to justify taking care of ourselves?

I suppose if I were going to summarize this post with a theme, I would have to say it's this: Because You're Worth It (apologies to that cosmetics company).

Tucker says, "It's okay to just chill, Mom."

How Did We Get Here? Part one.

So, there was this pandemic.

We go about our day to day lives and while sometimes we stop to take stock, most of the time, we do what we always do.  We wake up and start our days- we go to work, we take care of our families, we pay the bills, we try to figure out what's for dinner, maybe we get some time in there for things that make our souls sing (family game night? time with a good book? laughing at a movie on TV? hanging out with friends? whatever it is that refreshes you).  And then, we go to bed, and we get up, and we do it all over again (apologies to The Kinks). 

Once in a while though, something happens that makes us pause and examine what we're doing.  That can be something wonderful (winning the lottery??) but unfortunately, I find it's often the things that are hard to bear that pull me up short.

In the case of this particular Sea Change for me, it started with an announcement that we were "going remote".  We didn't know how to do that. We scrambled, under the shadow of fear of this virus that was spreading fast and killing people. We thought (hoped?) that by doing this- by hunkering down, going remote, washing our groceries, wearing our masks, and learning how to eyeball the distance of 6 feet to socially distance ourselves- we'd get through it and get back to normal.

Boy, what we didn't know.

As this dragged on and on and on, it became increasingly clear that, for the foreseeable future, this IS normal.  Ouch.

Not gonna lie. I suffered. I needed my people. I needed my kids who moved half a country away. I  needed to do the work I love- that is a huge part of my identity- in the ways I loved to do it. Face to face. Person to person. I believe in the energy exchange between beings. And mine was sapped, with no source of fuel. I won't go into all the details of the Ugly Phase. Suffice it to say, it deserved that label.

And this ugliness raised some questions for me. Namely, why am I doing the day to day the way I do? I've been wanting to get out of this cold, dark Northeast for decades, in a vague sort of "someday" way. Every winter is the winter of my discontent (sorry, Bard). And now that one bird had flown the nest, and the second was prepping his wings for flight, it was time to more seriously think about moving on.

Moving on is complicated though, isn't it? On paper, it's a process, a list of to-do's: Find a place to live somewhere warm, sell the house, quit the job(s), get a new job, buy a new house.  Neat and tidy, checkboxes to tick and move to the next.

Life's not neat and tidy, though, so the actual doing of the moving on thing is really pretty overwhelming. Find a place somewhere warm to live.... oh, but one with a community that shares my values.  Sell the house... oh, right, those bathrooms upstairs, yikes.  Quit the job.... that also means leaving my people, and that hurts my heart.  And so on, and so on.

So I started taking baby steps, moving in the direction of moving.  Get the house remodeled. Research places in The South that I could tolerate.  Look at the finances- how do we make this work?  The one silver lining- we DID figure out how to "go remote", so that was going to make moving away a whole lot easier. Actually, it would make it possible.

Still, though, a lot of this was mental exercise. I mean, we did the remodeling- but we figured we'd get to enjoy it for a few years before we sold the house. There was still a vague "someday" quality to it all.

And then someone I love, lost someone she loved. And that was a whole new "take stock" moment.

This is a long post. If you're still reading, bless your heart. (Practicing speaking South.)  I'm going to take a pause here before Part 2. So, stay tuned.

A sick day.... what's that?

So here we are again.

I likely have The Virus- I was exposed earlier this week and have symptoms today. Mild, thankfully. I've had much worse. (Shout out to science and my vaccines and booster!) I'll test tomorrow so I have a definitive answer- or at least will hopefully have one.  This damn pandemic occupies way too much emotional and physical energy even when you're NOT infected.

But I'm going to take this opportunity to do some writing here.  I struggle with down-time. In fact, I've been in my work email most of the morning arranging the things I would have done if I were there today.  I kind of don't mind it, I accepted positions with responsibility and so, I take responsibility. Probably I could do a better job setting things up so other people can step up in my absence.  I'll spend some time on that this year.

Having said that, while I don't mind taking responsibility that I've accepted, I'm also getting a little tired of responsibility. Hence this Sea Change year. I've been working hard since I was 16- and, if you count babysitting jobs, since I was 13- and am working on accepting the reality that a) I'm getting older and b) it's okay to slow down.  I can still be important without an important job title.  (I'm going to repeat that to myself as an affirmation often, I think.)  And maybe I don't need to work AND take a sick day?

That is one of the developmental tasks of getting older, isn't it? That transition from work to rest.  I'm a big fan of Erik Erikson, and spend a lot of my time as a therapist helping people understand and adjust to these normative life stages (oooh that's even the name of the private practice I'm in!). But as with most things, the theoretical and the reality are different creatures.  Healer, heal thyself? Practice what you preach? So many cliches fit here- insert your own favorite.

There are a lot of things I intend to write about. I don't want to clutter up this one post with all of them.  So I think what I'll do is let this one stand alone, since it's meaningful to me in its own right, and start a new one with what I'm thinking of as my origin story for this new stage of life.  (I won't even think about getting into my previous origin stories... that's what therapy is for.)

So I suppose the theme of this post is: One Thing at a Time. Something I need to get better at.

So much to learn

I thought, well, writing a blog will be fun.
But what I didn't think about was all that I have to do to set it up.
What site to use?
What background?
What font?
Page? Post? Gadgets? What does this all mean?
So what you'll see as we go along is that I'm going to play. To experiment. To figure out, what DO gadgets do, anyway?

Part of what I'm realizing is that I can get stuck- paralysis of analysis.  But what I want is to experience change this year. And so, I'm changing my reluctance to just put it out there. See how it looks. Tweak what needs to be changed. Keep what I love.

I'm going to work on another theme this year: Silence the Inner Critic.

Maybe I should make a list of themes...

Until next time-

Begin at the Beginning

 

Welcome!

I'm not sure how to start but I suppose "welcome" is as good a start as any!

The year ahead holds a lot of uncertainty, coming off the last two years of even more uncertainty.  The title of this blog, Sea Change, represents the start of my new chapter, which truly began last April, when we decided to throw caution to the wind and buy a condo (a shoebox of a condo, mind you) in North Topsail Beach, NC.  As is often the case, there is a story behind this, which I'll get to- eventually. For now, I wanted to start out by starting out. That, I believe, is going to be a theme for me this year: Get Started.

My plan for this blog is to document the journey of my personal Sea Change- what informed the decision to take the leap, the steps along the way, and, hopefully, some important lessons learned as we go.

Thank you for being part of my year of Sea Change!