Wise Words of Walt Whitman

Today, I'm thinking a lot about all the times that things have seemed bleak, but the proverbial "silver lining" became apparent eventually.  It can be a helpful exercise when I feel anxious about the future. 

What's worrying me now? Second-guessing myself. Is moving to NC the right thing to do? (See the post on asking the internet a question.)  I'm overthinking things, which is what I tend to do when I need- but lack- information. I struggle with waiting for things to unfold.  I am not a particularly patient person.

So I'm reminding myself of things that started out as problems but ended up being for the better.

This week, for example. I am really unhappy that we didn't get to see the kids and that things were so stressful and, really, still unresolved as far as airlines and refunds go.  BUT.... the weather there was horrible this past week. Winter storms that would have made it difficult, if not impossible, for Cam to come get us in AR and drive us back to TX.   Meanwhile, we have had an extraordinarly beautiful week- walks on the beach wearing capris for goodness sake.  So even though it means waiting a few more months, when we do go see the kids in April it's likely going to be a lot better timing for that trip.

Or when the house we were trying to buy fell through. Oh what a nightmare that was.  The Universe tried SO hard to get us to drop that plan, so many obstacles that popped up that should have given us a clear hint. But no, we were determined and wouldn't listen, so the Universe pulled the ultimate card on the day of the closing and we couldn't buy the house. But, in the end, it allowed me to quit my job, go back to school for a new career, and then eventually move to a better house in a better place for us. 

And then there was that time the roof leaked and ruined the kitchen and we were years away from being able to afford the remodel. I was so panicked!  But then insurance kicked in and we got a better kitchen than we might otherwise have been able to afford, a lot faster than if we had to wait to save up the money.

I don't consider myself religious. I often talk about "the Universe" in a larger-power kind of way, but when I dig down deep, I can't really imagine that there is anything "out there" like that, guiding or determining or influencing our lives.  And yet....  There are times, like these, when it does feel as though something "out there" is looking out for us. When, in hindsight, we can say, "Oh, wow, guess that was a good thing, then."  So how do I reconcile this with my rational mind?

I believe that the human brain wants to make sense of things. We need a story, and that story has to have a conclusion. You know, like that saying, "Everything will be alright in the end. If it's not alright, it's not the end." And I think how we choose to tell ourselves these stories is a reflection of who we are, deep down. We have a confirmation bias- we look for the things that uphold the way we want to see the world. When I'm under stress, my tendency to look back at all the ways things have worked out fine in the end may speak to a generally optimistic, positive, hopeful nature. Maybe that's what we mean by "resiliance". 

I'm going to choose to see the way forward as an adventure. When I start to worry, I'm going to try to remind myself that this is either an opportunity to turn away, or to turn toward. I'm going to trust the Universe- and myself- and turn toward.

My high school ring had a motto inscribed, a paraphrase of a Walt Whitman quote: "Walk toward the sun. Shadows will fall behind." I chose that sort of randomly from a catalogue of inscriptions, back when I was 15. I don't know that I really understood it, it just had some appeal to me. I think now, I understand it better. (Maybe the Universe nudged me in that direction, knowing that I'd come to understand it later in life?)

So that's the theme for this post: Walk toward the sun.

Thoughts on the bigger picture

As I write this, my condo is literally vibrating from the military helicopters flying incredibly close. They've been flying a lot (although not all THIS close!) this week. Last night, Russia invaded Ukraine. The world can be a scary, dangerous place.

It's also a sobering reminder for me that my troubles are all so small.

My heart is with the fleeing families and frightened children and innocent lives lost to power and greed and corruption and hate.

I was going to write about other things today. But the constant "sound of freedom" makes everything else I want to write about feel petty and unimportant.

Maybe I'll write another post later.

Nothing that a walk on the beach can't cure... or, Best Laid Plans.

Right now, I'm supposed to be snuggling the new grandpuppy in Little Rock.  But circumstances conspired against that plan. And by circumstances, I mean, air travel.

This February break was supposed to be a trip to visit all the kids- first stop in Little Rock, then a jog over to Keller, then hop back on a plane to NY.  I was really excited about this trip.

We dropped Tucker at day care and headed straight to ITH. After a lovely little TSA pat-down (Why? I have no idea.) we settled in to wait for our flight. We were a little worried about having only a 45 minute layover, but figured, eh, we'll run if we have to.

But then, there was wind.

It was so windy (this is where you say, "How windy was it?") that the plane we were waiting for turned around and went back to Charlotte. Delayed, then delayed, then delayed. Oops. But no worries, the airline booked us automatically on a flight from Charlotte to Little Rock the next morning. We waited on a long line of people trying to figure out what to do, and the very nice ticket agent tried a bunch of options but nothing really worked. So, okay, we wait until the plane comes in, we spend the night in the Charlotte airport, we hop a plane to Dallas at 5 AM, and then change planes in Dallas and head to Little Rock... not the ideal, but still doable.

HA! said the universe.

The flight got cancelled entirely. No more flights out of Ithaca today, folks.

We huddled and debated and considered and at one point even thought about driving to Charlotte to catch the plane at 5 AM but by this point it would be tough to make it in time.

So, we gave up, we picked Tucker back up, and we decided to go to the condo and rebook the Pate Family Tour for April break.

I spent hours (hoooooouuuuuurrrrrrrsssssssss) on the phone trying to get refunds and credits- and at the time of this post, am still waiting for American Airlines to fix things (7 to 10 business days to review your request). 

I cried. I'm sad that we can't see the kids. It has been 6 months and I'm really, really unhappy that I have to wait another two months.

Today, we went for a walk on the beach.  That helped.

And all of this has really helped to reinforce for me the need to make this move.  Once I'm not tied to the school calendar, if they say, "We can rebook your flight for Monday.." I can say, "Okay." I'll have more flexibility. I'll be more in control of my own time and my own plans.

I have appreciated that I was on the school calendar while I was raising kids. But now that they're raised, I want to be on a "me" calendar.

I don't know if this post has a theme. I suppose if there's any theme, it's: Everything in its own time.

Just because it says it on the internet....

I made a mistake.

I asked The Internet questions.

Remember way back early on (if you're a Long Time Reader) I mentioned paralysis of analysis?  What happens when you ask The Internet questions is that you get a lot of opinions that create brain chaos. And brain chaos, for me, leads to anxiety.  So there's my confession for the day: I'm feeling anxious.

(I almost said I AM anxious, but then I remembered my DBT training- feelings come and go, like waves on the ocean.)

What I did was, I found a forum where I could ask people about areas in NC that we're considering for our future move.  

What I didn't do was, I didn't consider that the answers would make me question everything. Which would make me anxious. Which would make me sad.

I read through pages and pages of responses from people who truly were trying to be helpful- and many of whom, actually were being helpful.  I got some insight into the towns and cities we're thinking about. Some of it affirming, some of it discouraging. Much of it very detailed. Some of it pretty contradictory. And one noteworthy response which was essentially pages and pages of reasons why I should never, ever move to NC. (My favorite response from another forum-user: "....LOL what?")

I'm pretty good at reading through online reviews, and deciding what seems reliable and what seems a little far-fetched.  The problem I had this time is that there was a lot of information that was kind of scary- most of it having to do with the housing market.

People said, "You're going to have a really hard time buying a house"- too expensive, too much out-bidding, too much money at risk (WTH with the non-refundable due diligence money, NC?).  

Okay.. probably true. So, maybe we'll build a house.

Oh- wait. People said, "It's not any better to try to build"- too many potential buyers without enough lots being offered, lots of out-bidding (still), time frame could be extremely long before you'd even be able to start construction.

Ugh.

I had some moments of panic. Maybe this is a horrible idea. Maybe we won't be able to get a new house. Maybe we should just stay in Ithaca. 

PAUSE. BREATHE. 

Is this going to be easy? No, but that's not new information, right? I know that there is a lot to consider, and change is hard and scary, and the future is uncertain.

But is is impossible? No. People do this. People move out of state all the time. People buy houses. (Or build them.) 

There is still a lot for me to explore, but a lot of that can't be done by asking random internet people to tell me what I need to know. And I have time.

Remember that- we have time. I don't need all the answers today. I can't even GET all the answers today, there are things I have to be there to see and experience.

And shouldn't this all be part of the adventure? The process? The exploring new places and possibilities?

So the theme of this blog post is: Don't Panic.  

(thanks, Doug Adams)

Channeling my Inner Tevye

 Today's post is about tradition.

It's a word that came to me the other day while I was driving to work, from out of nowhere and appropos of nothing at the time. Later, it stood out to me in the headline of an article I came across on the importance of ritual and tradition related to the Lunar New Year. Still later that day, when a person I was talking to started saying something was tradition for them, it seemed like maybe the universe was trying to tell me something.

Okay, universe. When you push that hard to get me to pay attention, I guess I should take a moment to understand why.

What is it about the idea of tradition that has caught my attention so much this past week? 

I think the answer to that may lie in the focus I've had on planning for the future over the last week or so. It's always on the back of my mind, but as mentioned in my last post, I've been more actively exploring steps to make this transition. And even more recently, I've been thinking about the changing family roles as the kids start their own families, and how we'll navigate those transitions. This includes the changing of our family traditions as they blend into new families with traditions of their own.  What will the holidays look like from now on?  How we will celebrate major milestones, or even minor ones? How will we stay connected as family, which is one of the purposes served by traditions?

What I know is that these are things you can't necessarily dictate, or plan, or script. There are certainly widely-held cultural traditions that we observe- birthday cakes or traditional holiday meals for example. And then there are those that may not be quite as universally cultural but are pretty common in our social sphere- choosing where you had your birthday dinner, or opening one gift on Christmas eve, or Friday night pizza night. I know a lot of families who do those things. But a lot of my treasured family traditions over the years have emerged organically. For example, I don't recall any conscious decision that every fall we'd go apple picking- we went once, we had a great time, we kept going the next few years, and eventually it was tradition. Early October= apple picking. Getting a new personalized ornament for everyone every Christmas emerged from being given a gift of a special ornament before Cam was born; thus started the tradition of adding a new ornament for each of us, every year. The way Dad always said, "According to the ancient scolls.." whenever the kids were stumped about where to find those last hidden Easter eggs. (He still says that sometimes, just for nostalgia's sake.)

I think what I need to come to terms with is that, for the forseeable future, we'll be putting aside some old traditions and starting to form new ones. The way we celebrate may look different from afar, but we will still celebrate. The way we build family connections may change, but the connections will remain.  So family game night happens over Zoom now- two years in a row, starting to feel like tradition.... Maybe I can't bake a cake from scratch for the kids' birthdays anymore, but calling and singing a BADLY off-key Happy Birthday To You is feeling like a new tradition in the works.  This is my third February where I'll be traveling to see the kids- hmmm... maybe a February trip is a thing we'll continue?

I don't know specifically what the future looks like, which for me, is a little unnerving. But I do know that the difference is going to be the details, and not the meaning, behind the ways we build our family traditions going forward. And that's a comforting reminder.