What's worrying me now? Second-guessing myself. Is moving to NC the right thing to do? (See the post on asking the internet a question.) I'm overthinking things, which is what I tend to do when I need- but lack- information. I struggle with waiting for things to unfold. I am not a particularly patient person.
So I'm reminding myself of things that started out as problems but ended up being for the better.
This week, for example. I am really unhappy that we didn't get to see the kids and that things were so stressful and, really, still unresolved as far as airlines and refunds go. BUT.... the weather there was horrible this past week. Winter storms that would have made it difficult, if not impossible, for Cam to come get us in AR and drive us back to TX. Meanwhile, we have had an extraordinarly beautiful week- walks on the beach wearing capris for goodness sake. So even though it means waiting a few more months, when we do go see the kids in April it's likely going to be a lot better timing for that trip.
Or when the house we were trying to buy fell through. Oh what a nightmare that was. The Universe tried SO hard to get us to drop that plan, so many obstacles that popped up that should have given us a clear hint. But no, we were determined and wouldn't listen, so the Universe pulled the ultimate card on the day of the closing and we couldn't buy the house. But, in the end, it allowed me to quit my job, go back to school for a new career, and then eventually move to a better house in a better place for us.
And then there was that time the roof leaked and ruined the kitchen and we were years away from being able to afford the remodel. I was so panicked! But then insurance kicked in and we got a better kitchen than we might otherwise have been able to afford, a lot faster than if we had to wait to save up the money.
I don't consider myself religious. I often talk about "the Universe" in a larger-power kind of way, but when I dig down deep, I can't really imagine that there is anything "out there" like that, guiding or determining or influencing our lives. And yet.... There are times, like these, when it does feel as though something "out there" is looking out for us. When, in hindsight, we can say, "Oh, wow, guess that was a good thing, then." So how do I reconcile this with my rational mind?
I believe that the human brain wants to make sense of things. We need a story, and that story has to have a conclusion. You know, like that saying, "Everything will be alright in the end. If it's not alright, it's not the end." And I think how we choose to tell ourselves these stories is a reflection of who we are, deep down. We have a confirmation bias- we look for the things that uphold the way we want to see the world. When I'm under stress, my tendency to look back at all the ways things have worked out fine in the end may speak to a generally optimistic, positive, hopeful nature. Maybe that's what we mean by "resiliance".
I'm going to choose to see the way forward as an adventure. When I start to worry, I'm going to try to remind myself that this is either an opportunity to turn away, or to turn toward. I'm going to trust the Universe- and myself- and turn toward.
My high school ring had a motto inscribed, a paraphrase of a Walt Whitman quote: "Walk toward the sun. Shadows will fall behind." I chose that sort of randomly from a catalogue of inscriptions, back when I was 15. I don't know that I really understood it, it just had some appeal to me. I think now, I understand it better. (Maybe the Universe nudged me in that direction, knowing that I'd come to understand it later in life?)
So that's the theme for this post: Walk toward the sun.
