So many thoughts, so little time.

I've been wanting to get on and write a blog post. Most days, something happens that makes me think, "That would be a good topic to write about." It may be a song that comes on, or a comment by a colleague, or an event- like, the recent showing of the house.  (That warrants its own post, stay tuned.)

Sometimes the title will even pop into my head and I think, "I just have to remember that until I get on the computer." But I don't. 

I've heard that "real" writers carry little notebooks with them, to jot down ideas as they come up. Sounds....quaint. I suppose I could try that.  I also have this handy dandy little device, where I could note things to remember- in writing or maybe even a voice recording.

The problem with this, though, is that inspiration strikes when I have zero access to these tools. While I'm driving. In the shower. While I'm in a session with a client.  And then I have to rely on my memory, which is a long shot these days.

And then, as if that weren't enough of an obstacle... there's the whole ENERGY thing. It takes energy to log into the computer and write the post, and frankly, I spend most of mine just getting through the days. I wouldn't say I've been struggling as much as I was mid-pandemic, I think that's pretty well under control. But I just feel mentally done by the end of the day most days. And, honestly, physically done as well. The idea of initiating a task- any task- is unappealing. I don't realize most of the time how much it costs me to show up a lot of the time lately, until I don't have to show up, and then I just shut down.

The days are getting longer, though, right? And theoretically the winter is winding down. Maybe that will spur some energy- like the running of the sap.

At least when I'm "in it", I'm on. And if I have to recuperate later on by stepping back from things I might otherwise want to do, so be it. The important things are getting done. And eventually I'll be able to reclaim the rest.

Wise Words of Walt Whitman

Today, I'm thinking a lot about all the times that things have seemed bleak, but the proverbial "silver lining" became apparent eventually.  It can be a helpful exercise when I feel anxious about the future. 

What's worrying me now? Second-guessing myself. Is moving to NC the right thing to do? (See the post on asking the internet a question.)  I'm overthinking things, which is what I tend to do when I need- but lack- information. I struggle with waiting for things to unfold.  I am not a particularly patient person.

So I'm reminding myself of things that started out as problems but ended up being for the better.

This week, for example. I am really unhappy that we didn't get to see the kids and that things were so stressful and, really, still unresolved as far as airlines and refunds go.  BUT.... the weather there was horrible this past week. Winter storms that would have made it difficult, if not impossible, for Cam to come get us in AR and drive us back to TX.   Meanwhile, we have had an extraordinarly beautiful week- walks on the beach wearing capris for goodness sake.  So even though it means waiting a few more months, when we do go see the kids in April it's likely going to be a lot better timing for that trip.

Or when the house we were trying to buy fell through. Oh what a nightmare that was.  The Universe tried SO hard to get us to drop that plan, so many obstacles that popped up that should have given us a clear hint. But no, we were determined and wouldn't listen, so the Universe pulled the ultimate card on the day of the closing and we couldn't buy the house. But, in the end, it allowed me to quit my job, go back to school for a new career, and then eventually move to a better house in a better place for us. 

And then there was that time the roof leaked and ruined the kitchen and we were years away from being able to afford the remodel. I was so panicked!  But then insurance kicked in and we got a better kitchen than we might otherwise have been able to afford, a lot faster than if we had to wait to save up the money.

I don't consider myself religious. I often talk about "the Universe" in a larger-power kind of way, but when I dig down deep, I can't really imagine that there is anything "out there" like that, guiding or determining or influencing our lives.  And yet....  There are times, like these, when it does feel as though something "out there" is looking out for us. When, in hindsight, we can say, "Oh, wow, guess that was a good thing, then."  So how do I reconcile this with my rational mind?

I believe that the human brain wants to make sense of things. We need a story, and that story has to have a conclusion. You know, like that saying, "Everything will be alright in the end. If it's not alright, it's not the end." And I think how we choose to tell ourselves these stories is a reflection of who we are, deep down. We have a confirmation bias- we look for the things that uphold the way we want to see the world. When I'm under stress, my tendency to look back at all the ways things have worked out fine in the end may speak to a generally optimistic, positive, hopeful nature. Maybe that's what we mean by "resiliance". 

I'm going to choose to see the way forward as an adventure. When I start to worry, I'm going to try to remind myself that this is either an opportunity to turn away, or to turn toward. I'm going to trust the Universe- and myself- and turn toward.

My high school ring had a motto inscribed, a paraphrase of a Walt Whitman quote: "Walk toward the sun. Shadows will fall behind." I chose that sort of randomly from a catalogue of inscriptions, back when I was 15. I don't know that I really understood it, it just had some appeal to me. I think now, I understand it better. (Maybe the Universe nudged me in that direction, knowing that I'd come to understand it later in life?)

So that's the theme for this post: Walk toward the sun.

Thoughts on the bigger picture

As I write this, my condo is literally vibrating from the military helicopters flying incredibly close. They've been flying a lot (although not all THIS close!) this week. Last night, Russia invaded Ukraine. The world can be a scary, dangerous place.

It's also a sobering reminder for me that my troubles are all so small.

My heart is with the fleeing families and frightened children and innocent lives lost to power and greed and corruption and hate.

I was going to write about other things today. But the constant "sound of freedom" makes everything else I want to write about feel petty and unimportant.

Maybe I'll write another post later.